An eye opener - where are we going?

To make money we lose our health and then to restore our health we lose money. 

We live as if we are never going to die and we die as if we never lived

Forwarded By: Deepa L.

Whacky Definitions to bring about a smile!!

I liked the definition of Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.




Too good to read………………worth sparing few mins…. JJJ.


School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays. 

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich. 

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills. 


Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters. 

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower. 



Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either" 


Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. 


Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. 


Dictionary: A place where success comes before work. 


Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. 



Father: A banker provided by nature.



Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. 



Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after. 



Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills. 


Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read. 


Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. 

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. 

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. 

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. 

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. 


Experience: The name men give to their mistakes. 


Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions. 

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death     

Forwarded by: Deepa Luthra

WOMEN ON TOP - a bit old forward - keeps coming back again & again ...

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment.  Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business flight.


Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.


The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight.  Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."


Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.




 WIFE VS. HUSBAND


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.


As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"


"Yep," the wife replied , " in-laws"




 WOMEN'S REVENGE


  "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.


As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse.


"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.


"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."








UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)


I know I'm not going to understand women.


I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


W O R D S


 A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.


The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...


The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION


A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.


" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.


God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;


God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT


A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.


The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." 


The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."


Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."


Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."


So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says
.........."HEBREWS"


 God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Where is recession?

A report in Last Sundays Times Of India (Times Life suppliment) forces me to think where is recession - in India - no way ?


 DUST your Baccarat crystal chandelier and polish the family silver! It’s that time of the year when the swish of satin fills the air and Cartier blinkers light up Diwali nights. After the abstinence from excess last year, the party circuit has perked up under a positive economic clime. From gazebos by the poolside to designer kaftans, this year the buzzword is extravagance with a touch of flamboyance. As Diwali moves from being a homely affair to an event, the party resembles a virtual ‘mini-wedding’. Anil Chandok of the Mumbaibased Chenab Impex, a company that imports fine foods from Europe, says, “Everybody’s trying to make a statement. We’ve got orders for baskets of imported Belgium chocolates, gourmet snacks, rare honey and oysters for gifts. The larger the price tag, the better.”

    Industrialist Devita Saraf has pampered herself with a designer kaftan worth Rs 25,000 just for the occasion. Devita says, “The whole house will be done up in tiger orchids, especially ordered for the occasion. No tacky marigold or Bollywood décor for my party. The food will be served on silver plates. The gifts are hand-painted for a personalised touch.”
  
    At one of those beautiful Lutyens bungalows in Delhi’s posh KG Marg, designers lend the final touch to the humungous digital print covering the entire wooden flooring instead of the regular red carpet. At the poolside, floral chandeliers fused with pearl strings and ostrich feathers hang from palm trees. Even the tree trunks are wrapped in silver and gold gota. Says the gracious hostess, “Invites with goldembossed logos have been sent with miniature handpainted boxes of choco-truffles; I want my guests to feel like royalty.”

    At another swanky Ludhiana address, décor expert Swati Pandya Sood coaxes the lady of the house to take out the family heirloom, antique silver plates and copper lotas. The 150-yearold Burma teak consoles have been polished to put up the family photographs in silver frames. Swati says, “Signature style is important as the décor reflects the host’s personality. Every host in town ensures their guests bask in splendour, sparing no expenses.”

  If you want your party to be different, the choices are plenty. Swati installed handcrafted crystal floral lamps in deck areas and put up cabanas with jhulas made of mogra strings to give a fairy-tale setting for a party. Inside the cabanas, there are bowls with clove aroma oils and jasmine flowers for guests who want to soak their feet. Extolling the extent people can go to put up an extravagant fare, Swati says, “People with exquisite taste like to do things in a classy way. A hotelier’s family is using their mother-of-pearl cutlery and champagne flutes with gold rims. Antique chests are placed in strategic corners as paan daans. The mithai will have real silver shavings.”

    Says wedding planner Neeta Raheja, “This year the mood is more upbeat compared to last year’s. The cloud of gloom has lifted. Even Diwali melas are stocking up on interesting and unusual stuff — from Swarovski-studded candles to Baklavas instead of barfis.”

    For the Kajaria business family, the entire lawn and bungalow have been done up in fuschia and sequins. Tucked away in another corner of the city, a farmhouse has been done up like a casino with huge roulette boards and poker tables adoring the lawns.

    A regular in the party circuit, former diplomat Bhaichand Patel says, “Ostentatious display of wealth may turn you into an overnight star, but tradition will always be in season.” Patel’s most memorable party though was at industrialist Sriram’s home, where “people sat around 10 different tables, playing cards while chefs from Chandni Chowk doled out authentic Indian cuisine. It had an old-world, old-money charm.” “Card sessions, diyas, and crackers are the essence of Diwali,” says Mumbai socialite and spa owner Kiran Bawa. Her house will be done up with flowers costing Rs 1 lakh. Specially designed ‘Ace’ cards have been sent. For gifts, she’s handpicked silver plates and tumblers. “Diwali is about Indian-ness. I’ve kept the flowers, food and gifts traditional.” Talking about gifts, Kiran explains that the glitterati gifts could include anything from a Cartier watch to a custom-made Louis Vuitton bag.

The razzmatazz predicts a grand rendezvous. If your mantra is “have money, will spend”, then there’s no stopping you!

Courtesy: Times Of  India - Times Life. (11th Oct 09)

Do leave a comment on your plans for Diwali.

Sardaron par bahut jokes suney hai, here are some Baniya Jokes….

Baniya:Yeh kela(banana) kaisay diya?

Shopkeeper: 1Rs.

Baniya: 60 Paisa ka deta hai?

S.K: 60 paise mein to sirf chilka milega.

Baniya: Ley 40 paisay, chilka rakh aur kela day de




Baniya on his death time.

My wife, where r u ?

Wife:Yes, I'm here

My sons daughters ru all here?

Yes, Papa

Baniya:To phir brabar wale kamre ka pankha Q khula hay ???




Baniya 14th floor se neche gira

Girte waqt usne apni ghar ki khirki me apni wife ko roti pakate hue dekha to chilla k bola

MERI ROTI NAHI PAKANA!



Baniya ne sheikh ko khoon dey k uski jaan bachai.

Sheikh ne usay MERCEDEZ gift kardi.

Sheikh ko phir khoon ki zarorut pari,

Baniya ne phir khoon dia.

Ab k bar Sheikh ne till waly laddu gift kiye,

Baniya: (Gusse se), mercedez kion nahi di?

Sheikh:Munna…!! Ab hamarey ander bhi baniye ka khoon dor raha hay



Baniya called a newspaper office and asked: Mera Chacha Mar gaya hai, kya charges hongay?

NewsPaper:  Rs.50 per word.

Baniya: Oh bohat ziyada hain, Acha likho "Chacha Guzar Gaye".

Newspaper: Sir! It should be minimum 6 words!

Baniya: Oh ho! Jara sochnay do..... Acha likho....... ......... .

Chacha Guzar Gaye - Maruti for Sale


Baniya ask to Taxi Driver: CP wale gurudware jayega kya?

Taxi Driver: Han jaon ga.

Baniya ne jaib se lunchbox nikala or kaha:

Wapsi main langar ka khana lete aana.

 

 
Titanic K Sath Baniya Bhi Doob Raha Tha

Aur Hans Bhi Raha Tha

Dost: Oye Hans Kyun Raha Hai?

Baniya: Shukar Hai Main Ne Return Ticket Nahi Khareeda

Chetan Bhagat’s speech at Symbiosis

The speech as simple as it is sounds is fabulous. Touching almost all the aspects of life (a complicated issue) - explained so easily. I liked the speech as a whole but the concept that really touched base is -

We are like a pre-paid card with limited validity. If we are lucky, we may last another 50 years. And 50 years is just 2,500 weekends. Do we really need to get so worked up?

Do post the extracts you liked from his speech

Following is the speech by Chetan Bhagat given at the orientation programme for the new batch of MBA students at Symbiosis, Pune.

Good Morning everyone and thank you for giving me this chance to speak to you. This day is about you. You, who have come to this college, leaving the comfort of your homes (or in some cases discomfort), to become something in your life. I am sure you are excited. There are few days in human life when one is truly elated.  The first day in college is one of them.  When you were getting ready today, you felt a tingling in your stomach. What would the auditorium be like, what would the teachers be like, who are my new classmates – there is so much to be curious about. I call this excitement, the spark within you that makes you feel truly alive today. Today I am going to talk about keeping the spark shining. Or to put it another way, how to be happy most, if not all the time.


Where do these sparks start? I think we are born with them. My 3-year old twin boys have a million sparks. A little Spiderman toy can make them jump on the bed. They get thrills from creaky swings in the park. A story from daddy gets them excited. They do a daily countdown for birthday party – several months in advance – just for the day they will cut their own birthday cake.


I see students like you, and I still see some sparks. But when I see older people, the spark is difficult to find. That means as we age, the spark fades. People whose spark has faded too much are dull, dejected, aimless and bitter. Remember Kareena in the first half of Jab We Met vs the second half? That is what happens when the spark is lost.   So how to save the spark?


Imagine the spark to be a lamp’s flame. The first aspect is nurturing – to give your spark the fuel, continuously. The second is to guard against storms.


To nurture, always have goals. It is human nature to strive, improve and achieve full potential. In fact, that is success. It is what is possible for you. It isn’t any external measure – a certain cost to company pay package, a particular car or house.


Most of us are from middle class families. To us, having material landmarks is success and rightly so. When you have grown up where money constraints force everyday choices, financial freedom is a big achievement. But it isn’t the purpose of life. If that was the case, Mr. Ambani would not show up for work. Shah Rukh Khan would stay at home and not dance anymore. Steve Jobs won’t be working hard to make a better iPhone, as he sold Pixar for billions of dollars already. Why do they do it? What makes them come to work everyday? They do it because it makes them happy. They do it because it makes them feel alive Just getting better from current levels feels good. If you study hard, you can improve your rank. If you make an effort to interact with people, you will do better in interviews. If you practice, your cricket will get better. You may also know that you cannot become Tendulkar, yet. But you can get to the next level. Striving for that next level is important.


Nature designed with a random set of genes and circumstances in which we were born. To be happy, we have to accept it and make the most of nature’s design. Are you? Goals will help you do that. I must add, don’t just have career or academic goals. Set goals to give you a balanced, successful life. I use the word balanced before successful. Balanced means ensuring your health, relationships, mental peace are all in good order.


There is no point of getting a promotion on the day of your breakup. There is no fun in driving a car if your back hurts. Shopping is not enjoyable if your mind is full of tensions.


You must have read some quotes – Life is a tough race, it is a marathon or whatever. No, from what I have seen so far, life is one of those races in nursery school, where you have to run with a marble in a spoon kept in your mouth. If the marble falls, there is no point coming first. Same with life, where health and relationships are the marble. Your striving is only worth it if there is harmony in your life. Else, you may achieve the success, but this spark, this feeling of being excited and alive, will start to die.


One last thing about nurturing the spark – don’t take life seriously. One of my yoga teachers used to make students laugh during classes. One student asked him if these jokes would take away something from the yoga practice. The teacher said – don’t be serious, be sincere. This quote has defined my work ever since. Whether its my writing, my job, my relationships or any of my goals. I get thousands of opinions on my writing everyday. There is heaps of praise, there is intense criticism. If I take it all seriously, how will I write? Or rather, how will I live? Life is not to be taken seriously, as we are really temporary here. We are like a pre-paid card with limited validity. If we are lucky, we may last another 50 years. And 50 years is just 2,500 weekends. Do we really need to get so worked up? It’s ok, bunk a few classes, goof up a few interviews, fall in love. We are people, not programmed devices.


I’ve told you three things – reasonable goals, balance and not taking it too seriously that will nurture the spark. However, there are four storms in life that will threaten to completely put out the flame. These must be guarded against. These are disappointment, frustration, unfairness and loneliness of purpose.


Disappointment will come when your effort does not give you the expected return. If things don’t go as planned or if you face failure. Failure is extremely difficult to handle, but those that do come out stronger. What did this failure teach me? is the question you will need to ask. You will feel miserable. You will want to quit, like I wanted to when nine publishers rejected my first book. Some IITians kill themselves over low grades – how silly is that? But that is how much failure can hurt you. But it’s life. If challenges could always be overcome, they would cease to be a challenge. And remember – if you are failing at something, that means you are at your limit or potential. And that’s where you want to be.


Disappointment’ s cousin is  Frustration, the second storm.  Have you ever been frustrated? It happens when things are stuck. This is especially relevant in India. From traffic jams to getting that job you deserve, sometimes things take so long that you don’t know if you chose the right goal. After books, I set the goal of writing for Bollywood, as I thought they needed writers. I am called extremely lucky, but it took me five years to get close to  a release. Frustration saps excitement, and turns your initial energy into something negative, making you a bitter person. How did I deal with it? A realistic assessment of the time involved – movies take a long time to make even though they are watched quickly, seeking a certain enjoyment in the process rather than the end result – at least I was learning how to write scripts, having a side plan – I had my third book to write and even something as simple as pleasurable distractions in your life – friends, food, travel can help you overcome it. Remember, nothing is to be taken seriously. Frustration is a sign somewhere, you took it too seriously.


Unfairness – this is hardest to deal with, but unfortunately that is how our country works. People with connections, rich dads, beautiful faces, pedigree find it easier to make it – not just in Bollywood, but everywhere. And sometimes it is just plain luck. There are so few opportunities in India, so many stars need to be aligned for you to make it happen. Merit and hard work is not always linked to achievement in the short term, but the long term correlation is high, and ultimately things do work out. But realize, there will be some people luckier than you. In fact, to have an opportunity to go to college and understand this speech in English means you are pretty damm lucky by Indian standards. Let’s be grateful for what we have and get the strength to accept what we don’t. I have so much love from my readers that other writers cannot even imagine it. However, I don’t get literary praise. It’s ok. I don’t look like Aishwarya Rai, but I have two boys who I think are more beautiful than her. It’s ok. Don’t let unfairness kill your spark.


Finally, the last point that can kill your spark is Isolation. As you grow older you will realize you are unique. When you are little, all kids want Ice cream and Spiderman. As you grow older to college, you still are a lot like your friends. But ten years later and you realize you are unique. What you want, what you believe in, what makes you feel, may be different from even the people closest to you. This can create conflict as your goals may not match with others. And you may drop some of them. Basketball captains in college invariably stop playing basketball by the time they have their second child. They give up something that meant so much to them. They do it for their family. But in doing that, the spark dies. Never, ever make that compromise. Love yourself first, and then others.


There you go. I’ve told you the four thunderstorms – disappointment, frustration, unfairness and isolation. You cannot avoid them, as like the monsoon they will come into your life at regular intervals. You just need to keep the raincoat handy to not let the spark die.


I welcome you again to the most wonderful  years of your life. If someone gave me the choice to go back in time, I will surely choose college. But I also hope that ten years later as well, your eyes will shine the same way as they do today. That you will Keep the Spark alive, not only through college, but through the next 2,500 weekends. And I hope not just you, but my whole country will keep that spark alive, as we really need it now more than any moment in history. And there is something cool about saying – I come from the land of a billion sparks.


Thank You.
Chetan Bhagat


Forwarded By: Manish Chugh

Indian way of doing Business

      

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in  D.C. One from Bangladesh, another from India and the third, from China.   They go with a White House officer to examine the fence.                     The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".                     The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me)".                    The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."                     The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"                                The Indian contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from China to fix the fence."                       "Done!" replies the government official. Sent by Dinesh G.

Wah Wah Wah !! - Time for some sher-o-shayri

Saap Ne Piya Bakri Ka Khoon ...
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Saap Ne Piya Bakri Ka Khoon ...

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Waah! Waah!
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Saap Ne Piya Bakri Ka Khoon ...
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Good Afternoon! Good Afternoon! Good Afternoon!!



1)Tere Pyaar Mein Paagal Ho Gaya Peter ....
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Tere Pyaar Mein Paagal Ho Gaya Peter ...
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Waah! Waah!
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Ab Hero Honda Splendor, 80 km Prati Litre .. !!


2)Bahaar Aane Se Pehle Fizaa Aa Gayii ...
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Bahaar Aane Se Pehle Fizaa Aa Gayii ...
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Waah! Waah!
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Phool Ko Khilne Se Pehle Bakri Kha Gayii .. !! 



3)Aatma Chhod Gayii Shareer Puraana ...
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Aatma Chhod Gayii Shareer Puraana ... 

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Waah! Waah!
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Didi Tera Devar Deewana .. !! 


5)Yashomati Maiyya Se Bole Nandlala ...
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Yashomati Maiyya Se Bole Nandlala ...
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"Maa, Tata Sky Laga Daala To Life Jhingalala ..!!" 


6)Hoton Pe "Haan" Hai ...
Dil Mein "Naa" Hain .... 


Hoton Pe "Haan" Hai ...
Dil Mein "Naa" Hain ...


  


Shashi Kapoor Kehta Hai: "Mere Paas Maa Hai ..."  



7) Aapki Surat Mere Dil Mein Aise Bass Gayii Hai ...
  


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Aapki Surat Mere Dil Mein Aise Bass Gayii Hai ...
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Jaise Chhote Se Darwaaze Mein Bhens Phass Gayii Hai .. !!

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Waah! Waah!


Sent by Jyoti M.